"Men can be weak too." - a first person account...
To,
The
National Commission for Women, India.
Subject:
URGENT APPEAL FROM A HARASSED HUSBAND
Hello,
With
all due respect to the NCW and your remarkable work for the rights of women, I
would like to bring to your notice that men in our country seem to have no-where
to turn, when faced with cruelty by women in their domestic lives. I request
you to take cognizance of my appeal for help, as I am a married man living a
nightmare of a life, due to the mental torture and harassment by my wife.
I ask
you – does constantly insulting me and humiliating me in the eyes of others,
amount to cruelty? Does ignoring all my love and attention while giving me the
cold-silent treatment, amount to cruelty? Does indulging in power games and
domestic politics, while turning a deaf ear to all my appeals for peace, amount
to cruelty? Does ignoring the needs of my child and using my son to emotionally
blackmail me, amount to cruelty? Does causing me professional harm by
interfering through my office colleagues and destroying my career by giving me
a bad reputation, amount to cruelty?
If your
answer to even one of these scenarios is a yes, then please understand that I
have suffered from all this and much-much more, at the hands of my wife. Can
you turn down my appeal for help, just because I am a man and not a woman
suffering in a bad marriage?
If the
NCW is humane and really stands for ensuring happy-healthy families in which a
small child can grow-up as a balanced adult, then I appeal to you to hear my
story and help me to set right the hell that my marriage has become, at least
for the sake of my small son…..
MY FACTFILE:
My name is XXX. I am a software professional working in a private firm for the past 10 years. I live in Delhi. My wife's name is
XXX. She is a housewife. She has a degree in physiotherapy. We got married on ....
MY FIRST MEETING WITH MY WIFE-TO-BE:
We first met in an arranged marriage scenario around Nov/Dec 2008.
There I talked to her about my ideals of a bigger kind of living - like not
being in the rat race, living a meaningful life, etc.
My parents informed her parents that I'm going on an official trip to Pune for a week. Privately I told her that I'm going on
a yoga trip. I told her this because I believe that relationships are built on
trust. I believe that a husband-wife relationship should be open. So, with
complete confidence in her I told her the truth, as I didn't want my parents to
face embarrassment. She rejected me. And much later I came to know that she
told this to her parents too (on the day of the ‘roka’ ceremony).
MY SUBSEQUENT MEETINGS WITH HER:
Then in January, when my parents were in England for an
emergency matter, her parents called my parents saying they were ready
for the marriage. I decided to meet the girl once more to understand what made
her change her mind. Since she was shy and said she took time to open up, I
took it upon myself to meet her once more.
I asked her not to divulge the meeting to her family, because it
would create pressure on me. I wanted to make her comfortable with me so that she
could be frank with me. I told her this will help in making the right decision
for both of us. She agreed.
MY FIRST IMPRESSIONS:
We met and she said a talk with her cousin made her change her
mind. I tried to find out if she really was with me, or under some kind of pressure.
She said she was with me. I believed her, thinking that her views must have
changed about me.
Later, I got to know that my parents knew from her parents, that
we were meeting. She herself divulged details to her parents about our
meetings. When I asked her about it, she said it's not a big thing, and I
should not mind that. I didn't know what was coming. I felt bad about these
incidents but did not blame anyone.
I made efforts from my side to meet her and encourage a healthy discussion. She
remained silent most of the time though. It did confuse me, but I felt it must
be just her personality. She hardly discussed anything frankly with me. I told
her everything and tried to get impressions from her about me.
When we had met the second time, i.e., when my parents were still in
England, during our meeting a call from someone in
her family would keep coming on my fiancée’s mobile in every 5 minutes, and
then the next 5 minutes she would be talking to that person. She would ignore
me during the course of those calls and I would leave her in private, which she
was comfortable with.
Our talks would be interrupted every now and then. I found this a little
awkward, but did not weigh it too much, thinking she was just getting
comfortable.
I told her I can only talk to people who are interested in what I am saying otherwise
I find it difficult to communicate. I cannot judge people. I just have to trust
what they say and make a decision based on that.
I decided to say yes, after my parents returned from England. After some time
the ‘roka’ happened.
THE INITIAL DAYS OF HER NASTINESS:
She started making fun of and cruel insinuations on my deep
feelings and life-aspirations. With passing days I started getting negative
feelings about her, because I started thinking that she values her own feelings
way too much, while at the same time not caring about mine. I continued to
remain very sensitive about her feelings.
She would call me in my office on her friend's insistence to test me, and if I
tried to explain not to weigh such challenges, she seemed to hardly care. I
would have to talk to her on the phone and then book late cabs to finish office
work. Still I did not take it rudely.
Then sometimes when I was too tired I would ask her to put the phone down at
night as I needed to go to office early. She always threatened me with dire
consequences if I cut the phone. And I would heed to her demands as I was a sensitive
person.
If I tried to really talk things out with her, she seemed to make fun of me and
my thinking, and said that I'm just not cool.
HOW I WAS FORCED TO SAY “NO” TO THE ALLIANCE:
Along with her spite towards me, I also realized that her parents too
did not value my parents much. That was the feeling reinforced every time we
met.
After some more time I came to the conclusion that she was really not with me
on life-goals, and instead of lingering on for a life-time, it's better to say
no. This was better for both of us. So, I told my parents to say no. But saying
no to a girl in the Indian context did weigh heavily on me.
HOW WE GOT BACK TOGETHER AGAIN:
I
thought she'd get over it soon. But she didn't and kept in touch with me.
That's when I began to think I might have made a wrong decision, and that she
really wanted to walk with me in life.
I contacted her mother, who was not too eager. But the talks started again and we
agreed to re-unite.
HER MOTHER WAS A NEGATIVE INFLUENCE:
Her mother
kept talking ill of us to her daughter. I thought since my fiancée is with me,
things will improve with time. But again her spite came to the fore as she
devalued me in her talks and tried to make me feel lucky to have her in my
life. She seemed only to talk on top of me, rather than with me.
One time I was to meet her family in a local mall, at 5:00pm. I left office
early. After I arrived there, and called them, her mother said, "First
we'll bring our daughter home from hospital (she had gone there to take her
training letter), and then she will rest. Then after that we will come.” They
were insensitive towards me. I waited for 3 hours alone.
My
mother-in-law never talked positively about me. During our courtship period
when my to-be wife was at home, nearly every day my fiancée informed me that
mom was crying on remembering what all she had to go through after her own
marriage, and how she was mistreated. I immediately always asked my fiancée to
take care of mom, and we can talk later. But what she and her mother did when I
needed attention is really a sorry picture.
WE GOT MARRIED AND THE REAL TORTURE BEGAN:
We got
married.
I had told my wife everything about myself in various meetings, hoping she'll value them. But
after marriage I realized she and her family were just happy being "in
demand" every time I wanted to meet her and their egos were inflated.
My wife said she was different, and wanted to achieve something in life.
But she played double standards. To me she was different, and behind my back
she would be the opposite. When asked to work, or do social service in her
capacity, she always skirted the issue. She always put my family down and
criticized them on anything she could think of. She thought it was cool to
insult everyone, as she didn’t feel wrong about it.
She knew how to play her
cards right. She knew how to fire guns on other people's shoulders. She would
take all the care given to her, and then later on she would always make sure to
belittle the care given, and invent a mythical problem that arose because of
it.
SOME INCIDENTS I WOULD LIKE TO QUOTE:
1. Once
when my wife was visiting her hometown and it was under curfew after
riots, her parents criticized me on bringing her safely home from their house. Instead
of seeing my love for them they treated it as a case of dominance on my part.
2. Another
time, my wife told me in passing that her eyesight felt weak; I immediately
took her to a senior doctor and got her spectacles made. This was my care. But
I was ill talked about for this also among herself and her mother.
3. I
used to massage her head whole night and take care of her when she had
headaches or was sleep walking; and this was so regular that I myself could not
sleep. I never complained or told her because I cared.
4. My
parents used to sleep in a room with a fan and no inverter backup, and made us
sleep in the AC room in summers. But she never even appreciated their love.
5. I
was always proactive in solving her problems. There were many instances when I
asked her something out of concern, and she first shot back at me, then
misrepresented the statement to her friends and family, and gave me a bad name.
6. She
never tried to sort out any problem by discussing with me no matter how much I
tried. She insulted me tactfully wherever she could. She would ignore my
discussions by being non-responsive. And later she would misrepresent the while
episode and talk ill of me behind my back, and gain sympathy.
HOW SHE NEGLECTED MY GENUINE NEEDS
7. When
I had fever she refused me to give me a blanket; frowned or made faces when I
asked for medicines; refused to cut her nails to apply medicine on my wound (as
the nails were hurting my wound). She would also start talking to her
mother/brother on her mobile so that she could avoid my “DEMANDS”.
8. During
my illness, she would use emotional tactics to show how much she is overloaded,
although she would take 30 minutes to get off the bed when asked to do anything
(no exaggeration here). Her parents came to see me when I was bed-ridden, and
next day took my wife for a day off. I wondered why did they take her along if
they really thought I was ill, and why did not my wife even say once that she
needs to be with me.
9. After
a few days she left me for a "vacation" to her parental home when I
was bed-ridden with cervical pain attack (and mind it, she is a
physiotherapist). And her mother also supported her in this regard (on the
pretext that as train tickets have been booked, the cost would be unbearable to
them. Cost of tickets: Rs.750. If cancelled: Only Rs. 60 would have been cut).
10. After
3 days of staying at her parental home, my wife started saying that it is God’s
wrath for my bad karma that I am going through all this.
11. And
my mother-in-law tried to get it into my wife's head that she is not free in
our house, because she is not able to talk to her at 10:30pm every night, to
which my wife readily agreed; and turned hostile to me.
12. When
my wife was pregnant, instead of trying to calm her down, my mother-in-law
fuelled anger in her towards me even when she was best looked after. Why?
Because it was a power game and it satisfied her ego of being in the picture in
my domestic life. Result? She was successful in turning my wife against me.
13. My
wife killed me in her head. After returning back home, even if I used to ask
"Please tell me why you are angry, or what the problem is, that you are
not even talking to me..", then she would just play songs like "Love
aajkal: "Dunia ki to fikr kahaan thi, teri bhi ab chinta hat gayi.."
and all that, and would dance and enjoy by herself, ignoring me completely. She
was totally uncaring towards my mental torment.
WE CONSULTED LAWYER/COUNSELLOR/PSYCHOLOGIST
14. But
I kept thinking "What have I done?" My wife did have a psychological
problem, which was ascertained later. But after a few months she actually
became proud of her problem; because she knew how she could easily use it to
her personal benefit. She has managed to totally crush my existence.
15. Before
we went to a psychologist, she felt the need to go to a counsellor. I arranged for
a senior lady lawyer so that she could speak without hesitation and we could
understand the problem. I left them alone. I was shocked when my wife presented
the so called facts as: “Oh you know it takes a lady 2-3 years to adjust after
marriage. These people just don’t understand that. That’s what the problem is.
And my husband doesn’t want to solve my problems. And he insults my parents
which I don’t like.”
16. I
felt betrayed! Here I was putting in days and nights to solve everyone’s
problems in the best possible way, and she presented the problem in an
absolutely different picture, that did not even exist!
17. Privately,
she would keep saying to me, “Oh! This is all because of my childishness. I am
just a child. You should ignore it." But in front of the counsellor, she
projected a matured picture, holding me responsible for all problems.
18. She
was the one making fun of my family. She made her whole bunch of relatives
speak ill about us when my parents went to their house. And whenever I tried to
talk things out with her, she was immediately offended.
19. I felt
that the lawyer was very convinced that I was at fault. It was then I had to
speak up, and gave details of how my wife was misunderstanding and
misrepresenting things and blaming everyone for problems that are non-existent,
and only in her head.
20. The
feedback given to her was that she should plain-speak with me rather than
playing games, because I am not that type of person, and this could cause
frustration and anger in me with time. And second, that she should always first
discuss things with me, only then go on to do something, because I was like
that too. But she never respected any of these feedbacks.
21. For some time she would become very sweet, giving a
sign of relief to us that now things will be fine. And suddenly again make an about
turn that would leave me baffled. She would discuss something with me, or
accept something, if it fulfilled some other hidden motive of hers, which I
might get to know only much later by chance.
SUICIDE THREAT
22. Whenever
I asked her for support, either her ego would come in the way (and she would
not help me), or she would threaten to commit suicide. I was nearly stopping
her every day from committing suicide on one petty issue or another. But I kept
it to myself because I hoped my love would ultimately win. It was a big mistake
to hide it, because overtime her tendency, and my frustration increased. I saw
that in order to not help me and divert attention to herself, when actually I
needed her attention, she tried to run to the kitchen to commit suicide. And
the next 2 hours I would be sympathizing with her and cooling her down. For
her, no one mattered other than herself.
23. The
psychologist told me that these type of people hardly do anything in life, and
are extremely self centered; and how much time they will take to change, no one
can say. But they don’t change completely. And her mental problems are because
of bad upbringing.
24. No
matter how calmly I tried to sort out things by talking to her, she would
remain silent, until my cool would wear off after many days. And then she would
say I’m not worth talking to in front of everybody. In front of the psychologist
she would say she wants to talk calmly. But as soon as she returned home she
would start doing the same things without a bit of change.
25. What
game she was playing was beyond my comprehension, because I did not know she
was playing a game. I only noticed that since the beginning she was lashing out
and convicting me of things I never did, and if I ever tried to talk to sort
out any problem she would either sleep or just remain silent.
HOW SHE USED OUR CHILD FOR BLACKMAIL
26. She
was so power hungry that if NOT feeding the baby solved her purpose, then she
even did that. And as I didn't know how to influence this attitude, I could not
even persuade her to learn breast-feeding properly, though I was insisting to her
to learn since the first day the baby was born. She simply did not respond to
my plea, as if I was talking to walls.
27. She
used to ignore even the basic hygiene standards that the doctor told her before
feeding the baby. She did not listen to the doctor carefully. Why? Because it
hurt her ego and she felt she knew everything. After 5 ½ months a situation
arose in which her asking the doctor suddenly became advantageous to her, so
she asked how to feed. The doc was also surprised that he had to teach it from the
beginning, as her method was completely wrong. How pathetic.
28. She
would place the baby’s clothes in the garbage or on the toilet broom. On
bringing it to her notice, she felt offended and devised plans to take revenge on
me. Still she always thought she is doing enough (no matter how devastating it
was). My wife always keeps her interests above my son's. I cannot detail
everything here, but the intensity of incidents is far too great. This agitates
me, because no matter how calmly I try, she never stops playing devious games
with me to be in power. Had she put in so much effort to feed the baby, he
would have got a stomach full of milk. Still, she would never leave a chance,
or create a chance, to use the baby in order to increase her influence and
dominance.
29. My wife rather than correcting her position of
holding the new-born baby, preferred to have an argument with me when I brought
to her notice that her position will cause injury to the spine of the baby.
This big was her ego. No matter how respectfully I tried to involve her into
discussions and get her opinions, she would never initiate talks and act dumb.
And later on put all the blame on someone else.
HOW I FELT:
Her
love is more of a show business rather than actually being concerned for
anyone. And so is her mother of same attitude. They love devastating other
people's image in front of the world, and they also do NOT love their children,
they only know how to emotionally cripple them so that they can have them in
control, thus satisfying their ego.
And all
of her behavior was not due to mood swings. It was micro-managed by her mother.
My wife would demean me in public. She would say that I don’t even hold the
baby (who was just 1 day old then), trying to imply that she is the one who
looking after everything. She never tried to see my concern for the child and
her, because power games and opportunities is what all mattered to her.
She
ignored all the occasions when I or my family took utmost care. Yes, this all
did make me bleed, because I hated power games, and she left no stone unturned
to kill me emotionally, distress me, tactfully ignite agitation and rage in me,
use that agitation for her own benefit of playing power games, and make me run
as a pawn on her chessboard.
HOW HER MOTHER CONTRIBUTED TO OUR PROBLEMS
30. After
a lot of efforts on my part, she at last spoke to her mother, “I did not
understand things correctly initially. Now believe me that things are ok.” And
my mother-in-law, instead of supporting her shot back at her screaming, “I have
taken care of you for 25 years. Am I your foe?” And my wife was silent as if
dead.
31. And
when my mother-in-law was talking ill of me then how calm my wife was. She did
not feel it within her to talk about how much I have suffered, how much our son
has suffered.
32. I tried
so many times to talk to her on how to reduce stress levels in the house. But
neither did she respond, nor did she take a real initiative. She used to say until
recently, “I didn’t know how bad my parents are. I have to speak up against
them”. And I responded, “No. All we need is a better understanding. I don’t
support you speaking against your parents.”
33.
Later on I came to know it was all a façade, and behind my back she was just
cutting me down and gaining sympathy. Which person can take such treachery?
HOW MY PROFESSIONAL LIFE SUFFERED
34. From
being the best performer of the team I have turned into something very
redundant at office, due to all these nuisances and dramas.
35. She
put me in a drastic situation by making me talk to some office guys about our
issues, who back-stabbed me to gain control and threw me out of my position, while
disguising themselves as my guides. And much later on, and after much enquiry,
she admitted that she was unhappy that’s why she did that.
HOW I BECAME AN EMOTIONAL WRECK:
36. At
one time even my mother was convinced that I was at fault. I had a hard time
bringing about the truth, and after that my wife changed the game pattern. I
had many times earlier fallen on her feet to stop politics in the house, but
she was a stone. I pleaded numerous times that there are so many problems
people are facing in this world, why are you creating some when there are none;
can’t you just be happy. But no, she was adamant to grow a monster inside me so
that she could show she is better and cleverer than me, therefore she should
rule.
37. Such
people are too deceptive. My wife can at once play dumb, play mature, present
the nature of things absolutely differently from what they are and can be so
charming that no-one can believe she can be so mischievous.
38. Whatever
she has ever said for me was only situational, trying to get the maximum out of
it. That is why on my face she says she loves me, and she cries about how much
she has hurt me; and behind my back she is the first one to stab me and
insinuate against me. She was constantly
pushing me to depression.
39. My
heart bleeds that what a contrast there is: On one hand there are ladies that
are jewels, and really deserve power they don’t have; and there are ladies who,
when given the whole power, use it only to control their own people and destroy
the peace.
THE PRESENT SITUATION:
40. My
wife has taken my child to her parental home (she went on the pretext that she
will tell her parents of their wrongs), but again after 3 days she started
playing games with me. She has maligned me among her relatives and vowed never
to come back. She yelled at me on the phone, “What am I getting? Who trusts me?”
41. It’s
been over 2 ½ months since she decided to cut communication with me. I am
devastated, and a lost man today.
42. There
is a limit to what each person can endure. Should every good man be inflicted
with all the pains possible, till the time either he succumbs to the illicit
demands and stops thinking, or crumbles and loses mental stability or revolts
so that he can be labeled as bad. And until that time, the person inflicting
pain would be scot free. How fair is that?
43. It
must not be overlooked that her mother too did a lot of dramas after her own
marriage, and made a lot of scenes. And she has always fuelled her daughter to
speak up for her “rights”, without teaching her responsibilities. And the view
of the psychiatrists must also not be overlooked. Each person’s social
capability must be assessed too.
44. It
is vital that today’s woman now accepts a bigger role. Rather than only
standing up for her due, there is a need for her to assume a bigger role in
society and stand up for the weak and take a stand against the unjust; and view
it above gender.
45. Yes,
men can be weak too. We are all human. And I am not at all ashamed to admit
that I am weak in politics and working with people or managing adult people who
are undisciplined by will. This is the first thing I admitted when I met my
to-be wife; and how well she used it.
46. I
know it is a legal right of every woman to take care of her child up to a
certain age. And I agree that 90% of the women will do that very responsibly; but
with the carelessness that has been inculcated in my wife by her own mother, we
can see what lies ahead. The emotional build up of my child will be affected in
such circumstances. The problem here is very much bound to transfer from the
mother to the child in the circumstances I am referring.
47. As
my wife’s mother’s problems were transferred to her and her brother as well as her
husband with the passage of time, we need to look more carefully at these
cases. Otherwise more families will be devastated and affected in the future.
48. I
beg you to take action. I worked with the best of interests, and with all the
little skills I had, but the problem is much bigger. This is no less than
domestic terrorism, and no greater form of emotional corruption exists. Had my
wife not grown with her mother, she would not have had these problems today.
49. I
admit NCW has its defined area of work, but still I'd appreciate if programs
could be started to educate today’s people: "Don't just know your RIGHTS,
respect them and know your RESPONSIBILITIES too."
50. My
mother-in-law would remark, “Nowadays there is no concept of ‘ladkiwalas’ or
‘ladkawalas’. I never understood why she said that, because we never thought of
them as unequal. Little did I know it actually meant, "We won't respect
you, since we are equal.”
I think
they have developed a very wrong picture of "equality". It should
have never meant lack of humbleness, but actual mutual-respect. In such
circumstances there should be ways to bring these people to psychiatrists by
the process of law, as this would lead to lesser frustrations (at least the law
should be aware of how much mentally I am suffering). Otherwise it leads to
huge amounts of frustrations and agony; and results in situations like mine, or
even worse.
MY CLOSING APPEAL TO THE NCW:
I urge
the NCW to note a very important angle to “women’s rights/empowerment".
Where on one side there are ladies, who would help move the nation forward if
given enough rights, because they respect their responsibilities; on the other there are those who do not want
to own any responsibilities, but love snatching others’ rights. In short, all
they want is autocratic dominance without being responsible for their actions.
Though
what I’m saying is nothing new and is very often even joked about, how
destructive it can become, I never realized until I faced it myself.
I do
agree that many women don't have sufficient powers that are their due, but
there are also women who actually gain sympathy in society because they know how
to use these very women’s sufferings and challenges, and project them as their
own to gain personal benefit only.
And I'm
not only talking about ladies. I admit there are both men and women of such
kind that really need law enforcement. I could not understand what game was
being played with me until I recently read: "Nasty People: How to Stop
Being Hurt by Them Without Becoming One of Them" by "Jay
Carter". But it was too late.
It’s
astonishing that almost everything written in that book has happened to me. And
then I was taken by shock when I saw the documentary "Dear Zachary: A
Letter to a Son About His Father". Why was I shocked? Because the sentence
framing, and the way of doing and projecting things in order to snatch and show
power/influence as done by Dr. Shirley Turner, are strikingly similar to that
of my wife.
Who can
take that, when he is trying to work for everybody’s happiness. Why am I
writing all this? Because I want to put across this message to all the ladies
that are actually suffering, that there are ladies out there who are encashing
on your sufferings for personal benefits (and actually working against the very
society that YOU are trying to build). By shooting on your shoulders, they are
actually weakening your dream. And until you speak out against such crimes,
nothing is going to happen.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
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